5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
