ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
