last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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