I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
