I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize