You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
