I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
