Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
