That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
