i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
