Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
