This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My vagina is very pro this idea
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