I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize