so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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