I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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