you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
foreskin is a definite game changer
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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