my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
