I cut my penus on the lid.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
