I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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