he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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