I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
