My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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