This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
