I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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