my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
