youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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