Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
