Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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