pop tarts are not kleenex
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
