it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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