The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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