YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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