Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
