Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
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