Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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