my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
