You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
should my penis look like a turkey
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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