This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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