My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
