I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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