girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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