Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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