I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
