Apparently you make a good broom.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
