I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
