Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
