How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
