I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
People in love make me want to vomit
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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