Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
