She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize