Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
