Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize