My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
