Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize