I wanna passion pit in your ass
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
