Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
