i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
