I faked an abortion last night.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
