Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
