Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
